This Feels A Lot Like Love
by paperchik
Summary: Kim belongs to the outsiders, a group of misfits with a set of strict rules. Then Jared comes a long, and things start changing, fast. Will Kim have the courage to start anew?
1. Glimpses

**Yeah, yeah, I know, I should be working on my other story. Sorry. But this story is long overdo; I started working on it over the summer, and now, thanks to my lovely beta-reader, don'teatmycookie, I can present you with the first chapter of _This Feels A Lot Like Love._**

**It's a little bit different than your regular Jared/Kim story, but I like it. Enjoy!!**

--

"What were you thinking?" Clarke hissed as she dragged me by the arm back to our table. I wrenched my arm out of her vise like grip.

"Geez, Clarke. I was just asking about homework. No need to get so worked up," I muttered, keeping my eyes trained on the ground.

"You broke the rules. There's no excuse."

"I'm sorry. I didn't know who else to ask. None of you guys are in my Math class."

She eyed me warily, then answered. "Yeah, but Brittany Greene? Preposterous."

"She was my friend. She's the only person I feel remotely comfortable talking to," I replied, letting my eyes wander across the cafeteria. No one saw us arguing. Good.

"Fine," Clarke said shortly. "But let's sit down before we attract too much attention." I sat down stiffly across from Natalina. She glared at me, then turned hurriedly and struck up a conversation with Marco. Alexai, Natalina's twin, smiled shyly at me, his brown eyes friendly. We were a disjointed group. Alexai and Natalina came from Russia, and their heavy accents had set them apart, and alienated them from the rest of the school, so Clarke had invited them to join us. Clarke, of course, was the leader. Her real name was Ashley, but she used physical violence whenever anyone called her that. She was tall, and heavyset, unlike me, with my thin structure. Marco was the darkest of the group, with his black hair and clothes. He didn't talk much, and people generally avoided him because of his somewhat scary appearance. We all had out peculiarities, our differences. Clarke had devised a set of rules for us to follow, and made sure that we did. Rule number one, of course, forbade us to talk to any student besides those in our group. I had broken this rule, and I was sure that Clarke would upbraid me thoroughly later.

When the bell rang, I slunk out of the cafeteria slowly, not wanting to be the first person in the classroom. Of course, being last drew attention, so I sped up somewhat, and kept my eyes on the white sneakers of the person in front of me. Uh oh, bad idea. The person whose shoes I was following closely looked around. I flicked my eyes away quickly, but he had noticed. It was Jared; he always hung out with a group of his friends, all of them cool, and they were laughing at me now. I flushed bright red and hurried past them, clutching my bag to my chest. He had laughed too. _Him._ I got to the math classroom a few minutes to spare. I shoved my books under the chair, and sunk down in my seat. People began filing in slowly, laughing and chattering to each other animatedly. The sight made me sick. Jared and his friends burst into the room at the last minute, shoving each other in a brotherly manner. He slid into the seat next to me, and glanced around the room, obviously bored. His eyes wandered over to where I sat, and widened in surprise.

"Hey," he started slowly. "You're the girl who was staring at my shoes. Why?" he growled, eyeing me suspiciously. I shrugged slightly and turned away, my cheeks growing red.

"Why won't you answer me?" he pressed. I shook my head numbly and inspected my fingernails. My heart was beating faster, creating a tempo too rapid for me to follow.

"Whatever," he muttered sourly, and turned to talk with his friend, Paul, totally ignoring me.

--

As soon as school was out, I hurried home, my footsteps urgent as I walked down the street. My mom wasn't home yet, as usual. She was a single mother, so she had to work hard to keep up with the bills and keep us fed. I was an only child; my father had died in a car crash when I was young. I hardly remembered him now; he was just a dim memory, out of sight, out of mind. Mom had stored all the pictures of him in our basement. She got them out sometimes, and cried as she ran her fingers over the album pages. She had been the perfect mother, years ago, back when we still had some money. My friends had loved her, more than me, I used to think. I told them this, and they got mad. They stopped coming over, and soon I only had one friend, Brittany Greene. In middle school, she became more interested in boys and makeup, things in which I had no interest. When I was thirteen, I donned my now usual garb of black fingernail polish and baggy jeans. Brittany had started hanging out with a group of girls, all of whom I despised. In eighth grade, she would only hang out with me after school, because her new friends didn't want her to talk to me. It was in my freshman year that she stopped talking to me all together.

"_I'm sorry," she had pleaded with me. The halls were teeming with potential onlookers. The bell had already rung, and I was anxious to get home before the teachers started snooping and told us to get out of there. She continued, unfazed by my anxious expression._

"_It's just, we're totally different, you and me-and face it, you're not exactly pretty, are you?" she said, no trace of malice in her voice. It was a fact. I hung my head._

"_They said that if I wanted to be their friend, I'd have to get rid of you. I'd rather be their friend than yours," she said, goading me further. I brought my face up to glare at her. She sighed._

"_I knew you wouldn't take this very well." She turned to walk away._

"_Bitch!" I screamed after her retreating figure. She hunched her shoulders, but continued to walk. People had stared at me, their eyes wide with surprise. _

I snapped out of my reverie when the door burst open to reveal my mother, her face haggard, uniform crinkled, her arms loaded with shopping bags.

"Kim, help me with these!" she cried, and I rushed over to relieve her of her burdens. She sank unto a chair while I rushed around and put everything away. After a minute or two she spoke.

"Hard day today," she muttered, as she pulled out a cigarette. "But at least I got my paycheck." I nodded in agreement as I rifled through the newly stocked cabinets, looking for something to snack on. Munching on an apple, I went through the house, collecting dirty laundry.

"Mom, throw me your uniform. I'm going to do a load," I called.

She worked at a local restaurant, and did two four-hour shifts a day, from 11:00-3:00, and 6:00-10:00. She worked on weekends too, and her busy schedule kept her from spending time with me. I didn't mind overly much, though. I'd rather be alone, which suited me and everyone else just fine. I wasn't interesting, I wasn't pretty. Plain, I would say. I'd never had a boyfriend, which the girls at school thought to be scandalous. Of course, I didn't care what they thought. I didn't care what anyone thought, least of all the kids at school. There were a lot of things that people didn't know about me, and I wanted to keep it that way. Most importantly, my notebook. I never let anyone see it, not even my 'friends'. It was my secret, and they respected that. Clarke was a big believer in secrets. But _him._ _Him,_ who's last name was always positioned right behind my first on the pages in my notebook. _Him,_ who didn't even know my name. _He_ was my biggest secret. A part of me that I didn't let anyone know about-and I wanted to keep that secret. Not that he would ever notice me anyway.

--

When I got to school the next day, Jared was nowhere to be seen. _Strange_, I thought idly, but then I forgot about it as soon as class started.

When the bell rang, marking the end of school, Clarke cornered me.

"My house, ten minutes," she barked, and I nodded soundlessly. I sighed as soon as she was out of earshot. I dreaded these meetings. I followed her home, hunched down to keep warm in the cool air. I struggled to keep up with her wide footsteps as she barreled down the sidewalk. Clarke's parents were pretty rich, so they lived in a relatively high class neighborhood, with large houses and wide lawns. Their huge white house had a veranda that wrapped all the way around, and a tastefully landscaped front yard. Alexai and Natalina drove up when I reached the house, and I smiled at them half heartedly. Only Alexai smiled back. Clarke's older sister was just leaving the house when we reached the door. I heard her mutter "freaks" as she passed by. I smiled grimly. I had heard it before.

"Kimmy dear!" Clarke's mother cried when she saw me.

"It's nice to see you again, darling. It's been ever so long," she gushed, with heartfelt warmth, as she took my bag. I gave her a polite 'hello,' and hurried up the stairs, the twins behind me.

"Good," muttered Clarke when she saw us. "Marco should be here soon. Lets get started." She curled up on the woven multi colored rug, pulling a clipboard onto her lap.

"First item," she barked as soon as we had sat down.

"Kim." She eyed me. "You talked to a fellow student. You know that it's forbidden," she continued.

"Yeah," I muttered nervously.

"But it was just to ask about homework. Merely business," I stated, backing up my claim. She looked as if she didn't believe me.

"Honest," I pleaded.

"Fine," she finally muttered. "But I'm going to keep my eye on you," she said, giving me a hard look.

"Whatever," I murmured as a reply, too low for her to hear.

"Okay," she continued. "Item two."

--

When I got home, my mom was snoring on the couch. I helped her up gently and guided her to her room, where she collapsed on the bed and continued to snore. I watched her for a minute, my eyes sad as I took in her exhausted form. I grabbed my uniform and headed over to the supermarket, where I worked every day after school. I was three minutes late when I pulled up in our beat up station wagon, and I hurried in, hoping that the manager wouldn't catch me. I sighed in relief as I got to my station unheeded.

"You're late," muttered the girl who was working there.

"Sorry," I mumbled as I got into my uniform. She sighed in annoyance and grabbed her stuff.

"See you tomorrow." I nodded in agreement. Nice girl. Too bad I couldn't get to know her.

Three hours later, I was already exhausted, and I still had a mountain of homework to do. Moaning at the thought, I drove home. My mom was going to be gone for another three hours, and I relished the thought. Three hours to be by myself.

Three hours, however, went by quickly. I got my homework done in two, so I finished a book I had been reading. I drifted off to sleep on the couch, book propped open in front of me, head lolling back.

--

7:39 was flashing in bright green letters on my bedside alarm clock when I woke up the next morning. I mentally thanked my mom for moving me off the couch. I rolled off my bed and landed with a loud 'thump!' on the floor. I cursed under breath and stumbled to the bathroom. Shutting the door behind me, I looked tentatively in the mirror.

_Not pretty, not pretty, _screamed back at me. I bit my lip hard; I could taste the blood on my tongue. My shoulders shook as I held back a sob, and clutched the sink for support. Sinking onto the floor in a heap, I hugged my knees to my chest and cried.

--

Fifteen minutes later, with dry eyes and a guarded expression, I opened the door to the school and looked around tenuously. I could see Alexai over by the water fountain, so I hurried to join him.

"You are doing vell today?" he asked kindly, in his thick accent.

"Fine," I lied, and gave him a fake smile. He seemed to be appeased and didn't ask anymore questions for a minute. The bell rang just as he was opening his mouth to speak.

"I vill tell you later," he promised quickly, and hurried off to his first class. I stared after him, confused. What did he want to tell me? I shrugged. Whatever it was, I would find out later.

--

At lunch, I noticed that Jared was still gone. _What could he be doing?_ I wondered dumbly as I stared around the cafeteria. Was he sick? I hoped he was okay. But like yesterday, I pushed the matter out of my mind.

_It does not do to dwell on such such things._

_--_

**You guys know the drill: Review.**


	2. First Look

**So, here's the second chapter for ya'll. Enjoy, and review. You seriously don't know how much it would mean to me. Just something simple, like "I like it," or "It's good =)" would be fine.**

--

Two weeks. He had been gone _two weeks._ Two weeks in which I had driven myself crazy with worry--and then suddenly one day he was there. Poof! I half expected him to announce, 'Hey there! Did ya miss me?', like some circus performer.

I walked into school that morning, spirits low, not expecting him to be there. I saw him from a distance, alone, leaning against one of the lockers, his dark face troubled. He was different. More bitter, I think, and careful in his movements. He was beautiful, in a dark and foreboding way. I looked forward to Math, but dreaded it at the same time. _He'll just ignore me. Like he always has._

I got to class three minutes late. The teacher frowned at me in disapproval, but I just shrugged my shoulders absentmindedly. Jared was already sitting in his seat, dark eyes trained on the pencil he was twirling. The pencil snapped when he flicked it too hard, and he sighed in frustration. _Geez,_ I thought. _How strong is he?_ I slid into my seat noiselessly, my heart beating faster by the minute, and was careful not to look at him as I pulled out my math book. It slipped out of my hands and landed with a _Whack!_ on the floor. I cursed under my breath. Jared flicked his head up at the noise, and suddenly he went rigid. He was looking at me. Staring, to be more exact, his eyes wide with surprise as they met mine. He didn't look away. I was sure my heart had stopped. It was the way he was looking at me. Like a blind man seeing the light. Like a mother seeing the face of her child. It was too hard to describe. There was so much love in his eyes, and he was looking at _me._ My cheeks were starting to heat up. I turned my face away and tried to concentrate on what the teacher was saying, to no avail. My thoughts were in a turmoil, blending and mixing together until I could hardly stand to think. I pressed my cold hands to my forehead; I could definitely feel a headache coming on.

"Hey," he started slowly, his voice cracking. "What's your name?" I shook my head.

"Please?" he asked desperately. He was pitiful. I sighed, and ripped a page out of my notebook. KIM, I wrote in large letters, and passed it to him, careful not to touch his hand.

"Kim," he whispered, and my name was like music on his lips.

"Kim," he repeated lovingly, and then jumped up shoving the paper with my name in his pocket. His hands were shaking.

"I'm sorry, Mrs Reynolds. I have to go," he announced to the startled looking teacher, and bolted out of the classroom. He stopped at the door for a second and turned to look at me. One look. And then he was gone.

"Well, I never," the teacher sputtered. I sighed, and raised my hand to my chest. My heart was beating out of control. _Why did he have such an effect on me?_

I didn't see him for the rest of the day. _What was wrong? Was it me?_ I thought to myself as I paced back and forth in my room. It couldn't be. I hadn't done anything, or said anything to him. I tried to calm my ragged breathing as I sat on the end of my bed. _It doesn't mean anything, he doesn't like you,_ my brain told me, but my heart thought otherwise.

"Why does this have to be so complicated?" I murmured to myself, hands trembling. My empty room held no answer.

--

As I opened my locker the next morning, I could feel Jared's eyes watching me as he leaned against the opposite wall. I threw him a quick glance, and his eyes lit up at the silent acknowledgement. He cornered me by the water fountain once I had gotten my books.

"Would you like to eat lunch with me today?" he asked smoothly, and my heart leapt at his words. However, I knew I had to decline. Heart sinking, I slowly shook my head, sending a pleading look at Clarke, who was watching us carefully from over by her locker. His eyes followed my gaze. He frowned, and gave Clarke a glare. She glared back, and motioned for me to join her. I did so quickly, leaving him behind me, a downcast expression on his otherwise blank face.

"Wait," he called out after me, but I ignored him, my heart twisting in anguish.

"What was that about?" Clarke hissed, as she pulled me into the English classroom.

"I don't know," I muttered. "He cornered me."

"Fine," she said shortly. "I guess I believe you. Let's sit down."

My life is about rules. Rules, rules, rules. Rules at home, rules at school, rules with friends. It seems like I can't escape them. Many times I had thought about leaving Clarke and the gang-but I couldn't. I just couldn't. They were the only form of friends I had. My rock that I could hold on to. Without them, I had nowhere to go. The rules were tough at first, but I soon grew used to them, and developed a solid routine which I followed through with every day. Get up. Eat breakfast. Go to school. Talk to no one. It was quite easy for me, mainly because I had nothing to say, and people sure weren't going to listen to me. But _him._ The kink in my otherwise perfect routine. I wanted to be with him. I wanted to cast away my so called 'friends', who tied me down, and forced me to restrain mywords, thoughts, and actions. I wanted to be accepted, and loved.

"_I will never be accepted,"_ I muttered to myself, over and over again, a mantra of pain. And I knew it. I knew it was true. It was so true that it nearly made me laugh out loud. People didn't like me. They didn't want me around. I was the elephant in the room, the problem that no one acknowledged, the one everyone avoided, the one everyone ignored. As soon as they met me, they forgot about me. They carried on with their lives, ignorant of all the little things, things that were so important--yet alien--to me, a friend, a smile, a place in this world. I was afraid--so afraid--of the effects that Jared might have on me. That he would love me, then leave me, and there I would stand, reeling from the shock of his departure. I knew that wouldn't be able to handle it.

Snapping out of my daydream, I noticed that class was nearly over.

"What's for homework?" I asked Clarke groggily. She sighed in annoyance. "The teacher just went over it. I guess you weren't listening. I'll tell you after school, okay?" she said. I nodded in agreement.

After the bell rang, Alexai cornered me outside of the classroom.

"I need to tell you something," he pleaded. "Okay," I agreed, keeping an eye on Jared, who was watching us enviously down the hall, and Clarke, who was eyeing us suspiciously a short distance away.

"I am sorry it has taken so long to tell you this," he apologized. "I haff an idea," he muttered. "Yeah?"

"Clarke, you know how she is so controlling?" A nod.

"I believe that ve should tell her ve von't take it anymore. She von't let us talk to anyvone," he continued, in a voice too low for Clarke or Jared to hear.

"I don't know," I replied, biting my lip. "She's one of the only friends I have. I wouldn't want to lose her friendship."

"I vould be your friend," he replied, giving me a bright smile. "-...and I am sure he vould too," Alexai said, pointing to Jared. "Maybe," I muttered. "I'll think about it."

"Good," he replied heartily, and clapped me on the arm. "Make sure you don't tell anyvone about this, yes?" he said. I nodded. "I vill talk to you later, then," he said cheerfully, and walked off. Jared rushed up. "The offer's still up," he reminded me. I shook my head, and pushed past him. He threw his arm out in front of me to stop me.

"Please, just listen to me?" he said desperately. I shook my head again.

"Would you just leave me alone?" I said harshly, and saw his face drop dramatically. I immediately regretted my quick words.

"Fine," he muttered, dropping his arm. His face was so sad; I wanted to reach out and comfort him, to give him a big hug and tell him that everything was going to be okay. I pushed my thoughts aside and hurried to join Clarke.

"You talked to him." It was an accusation.

"I told him to leave me alone," I said defensively.

"Good," she nodded, and clapped me on the back. Jared was still staring after us, rooted in the same spot, disappointment etched on his face. I sighed wistfully and hurried to get to History before I was late. As I closed my locker door, I could see Jared out of the corner of my eye. He was shaking, his whole body, like he was having a fit or something. He bolted for the exit, kicking off his shoes as he went. _Weird_, I thought, as I watched the door swing shut. _Very weird._

It was so strange. This sudden interest in me. He had paid no attention to me before, and now all of the sudden he wanted to eat lunch with me. Not that I'm complaining about it. It's just, I can't accept his offer, no matter how much I want to. My heart yearns to be with him, but my conscience is annoyingly aware of the rules I have to follow.

Once I got to class, I slid into my seat and closed my eyes, concentrating hard on Jared. _Tall, dark, handsome, and possibly in love with me._ My eyes flew open. That couldn't be right. There was no way that a guy like Jared could be in love with a girl like me. No way in hell. I groaned. Several students nearby looking at me strangely.

"Um, I forgot to do my homework," I whispered, and they nodded knowingly, paying me no more attention. It was a good thing Clarke wasn't in this class.

--

Later that day, as I was walking home from school, I could hear footsteps behind me. I whirled around, to try to find out who the culprit was. Jared was standing about a hundred feet behind me, a sheepish smile on his handsome face. I glared at him and continued to walk, my mind reeling out of control. I could hear the footsteps again. I sighed loudly, but didn't turn around. I started to walk faster, hoping to get rid of him. When I neared my house, I ran up the steps quickly and locked the door behind me. In about five minutes, the doorbell rang loudly. I ignored it. It rang again. I threw the door open with a bang, and glared at Jared, who was standing on the doormat. He smiled charmingly at me.

"Stalker much?" I spat out, trying not to look at his eyes, which were fixed on my face. He laughed. The sound was too much for me to bear. The glare slid off my face. He laughed once more in celebration.

"I knew I could wipe that glare off your face," he teased, and I had to stop the smile that was threatening to show.

"Look," I started exasperatedly. "I'm not supposed to talk to you. Just go away, and it'll be easier on both of us, okay?" I muttered, and looked around, half expecting Clarke to jump out at us from behind a bush.

"Why? Why can't you talk to me?" he said forcefully. I could detect the poorly hidden rage in his voice.

"I....I just can't. It's against the rules."

"Who's rules?" I mentally slapped myself for giving away this piece of information.

"None of your business."

"It's my business now."

"No, it isn't. Just go away. Can't you understand me?" I said pleadingly.

"No, I can't," he said softly, and reached to brush my face. I jumped back at the sudden contact. His hand was so....warm. It was nice.

"Sorry!" he apologized quickly.

"No, it's okay. You didn't do anything wrong," I said with a frown. "Just go, okay?"

"Fine," he muttered dejectedly, and took off running down the steps. He stopped after a few seconds and turned around to look at me.

"See you tomorrow," he called, and was lost to sight, the dark woods across from my house swallowing up his vibrating form.

"See you," I muttered too late, staring out after him, my mind in turmoil, and my heart beating faster than ever.

--

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	3. Your Guardian Angel

**Hey ya'll!! I was looking at my stories list, and I noticed that I hadn't updated for three days! Gasp! I felt like you guys deserved another chapter, so here you go!! Thanks to all who reviewed; you seriously made my day. **

**Disclaimer: Do I look like Stephenie Meyer to you? I didn't think so.**

**Song for this chapter: Your Guardian Angel - The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus**

--

_I will never let you fall, I'll stand up with you forever. _

_I'll be there for you through it all, even if saving you sends me to heaven......._

--

I couldn't stop myself. I came back. I knew I was tempting fate, being so close to her, seeing her, watching her. I didn't care. All I knew is that I wanted to be with her forever. She was my life now, and I wasn't going to let Sam or anyone else, fate included, to stand in my way. I knew Sam was going to have a fit, but I was perfectly willing to accept the consequences of my actions. I was shocked, and hurt, by her earlier dismissal. I thought she liked me; it seemed that way anyway, her heart always beat just a little bit faster whenever she came near, and a most delightful blush was sure to creep onto her beautiful face. She had said something about it being against the rules, I knew she never talked to anyone but her friends, but to have rules? It seemed a little extreme to me. I wanted to kill the person responsible, for beating her down, and making it so that she was an outcast. I knew who it was, too. It was that leader girl that she was always with. I had a very hard time stopping myself from hurting her. I had also heard what the Russian boy had said to her earlier, about breaking off from the leader girl. I myself fully supported the decision; this boy had more to him than I had originally thought.

Turning my mind back to the task at hand, I crept silently beneath her window. I scaled the tree by her bedroom window swiftly, and leaped lightly into the second story window, which was open to let a breeze in. It was September, and the air was cool. I noticed that she was shivering slightly; she was only wearing a tank top and shorts. Taking care to maintain absolute silence, I crept into her room and seized a quilt from her closet, which was, thankfully, open. I carefully draped it over her small form, and brushed her hair lightly back from her face, exposing her beautiful features. She shivered lightly at the contact, and quietly murmured "Jared?" I froze. She was awake. I breathed a sigh of relief when she rolled back over and continued sleeping. She had said my name. The simple moment of joy was beyond amazing. It nearly made me burst at the seams with happiness. I stroked her hair once more, and leaned in to brush her cheek lightly with my lips. She smiled in her sleep, and my heart leapt.

"I love you," I whispered, and I meant it wholeheartedly.

--

The minute she left her house in the morning, I rushed up.

"Want a ride?" I asked, hoping for a yes.

"No," she frowned, and my heart sunk. "I can't."

"Why not?" I challenged. She bit her lip apprehensively.

"Just cause. Clarke won't let me," she said, and closed her mouth swiftly, looking guilty.

"Shit," she muttered. "I shouldn't have told you that."

"I already sort of knew."

"How?" she frowned again.

"You said something about it yesterday....and, I've sort of been watching you," I admitted, watching carefully for her reaction. She looked stunned.

"You've been......watching me?" she spit out, looking slightly mad. I rushed to backtrack.

"No, no, you have me wrong. I've been watching you to find out more about you. I want to spend time with you," I said honestly, and hoped she wouldn't be furious with me.

"You want to spend time with me? Why?" She sounded like she didn't believe me.

"Because you are a very interesting girl," I smiled.

"But, why the sudden interest? Why now?" she asked earnestly. I could tell she'd been dying to know.

"I guess you could say that I opened my eyes a bit wider. Took a good look around, and discovered that not all were as great as I thought they were. And that some things were better," I stated, perfectly honest, my voice surprisingly mellow for all the feelings that were rushing through me. She closed her eyes for a moment. I could tell that she was thinking very hard. She was so beautiful; it was hard not to lean out and touch her, to hold her hand.

"Are you sure you're real? That this is not some joke, or that you're going to disappear, and I'll wake up in a minute?" she said, squinting at me disbelievingly. I chuckled.

"I'm dead serious. And I'm pretty sure this is not a dream."

All of a sudden she gasped.

"Aw, crap. We're late for school!" she moaned looking at her wristwatch. After my heart slowed down from her outburst, I chuckled.

"Don't worry. We could.....skip school."

"Skip school?" She sounded confused. "But why?"

"Because we're already late, so what's the point?" It seemed like an alien concept to her.

"You've never skipped school before?" She shook her head. "Well, there's always a first time. Come on, what do you want to do?" I asked, reaching out to garb her hand.

"But, what if Clarke finds out?" She looked sort of scared.

"She won't, I promise."

"You promise?"

"I promise."

"Okay." She sighed in relief. I looked at her quizzically.

"Why do you do what she says? She sounds like a dictator to me."

"She's the only sort of friend I have. Without her, I have no one to go to," she sighed. I looked at her earnestly. "You could always hang out with me. My buddies won't mind."

"I don't know...."

"Come on! You can't just let her control you! She's beating you down!"

"I know," she said quietly, and a tear rolled down her cheek. I wiped it away carefully with my thumb and pulled her into a hug. She was so small, and delicate. I wanted to protect her, to make it so that she would never have to cry again.

She leaned her cheek against my shoulder, and continued to cry. I just held her close, rocking her gently, letting her get rid of her tears. We stood like that, for I don't know how long, in the middle of the street, my arms wrapped around her small frame, her tear stained--but still beautiful--face pressed against my chest.

When she had finished, and wiped her face with trembling fingers, she looked up at me and attempted a smile.

"I'm all done," she said tremulously. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"No, no! It's okay. It's good for you to let your feelings out."

"Thank you. You're very kind, you know," she smiled. "Thanks," I replied, and cleared my throat.

"Has anyone ever told you that you're beautiful?" I murmured, reaching in to tuck a lock of her hair behind her ear. She blushed. "You're...you're just making that up. I'm not even pretty, let alone beautiful," she muttered, looking at the ground ashamedly.

"Who told you that?" I exclaimed angrily. "Because it isn't true."

"I told myself that. And..... I've been told that by other people too."

I let out my breath in short, angry huffs. My head was starting to spin, my hands trembling.

"Wha....what's wrong?" Kim said worriedly. I took big breaths trying to calm myself down. Eventually, my hands were still.

"Nothing," I muttered. "Nothing is wrong."

"Are you sure?"

"Totally." I smiled at her. "See? Nothing wrong."

"Okay."

"Hey, listen. I want you to meet someone. She's very nice, and I know you'll get along wonderfully."

"Hm."

"What?"

"I don't like meeting new people. It makes me uncomfortable."

"Well, we're just going to have to change that, aren't we?" I laughed, and grabbed her hand, pulling her towards my truck.

"Get in," I gestured to the empty passenger seat, and then started.

"Oh, sorry," I said, and rushed around to open the door for her.

"Um, that's okay. I could have opened it all by myself," she said, biting back a smile.

"I know, but I wanted to act the gentleman to get into your good books."

She giggled. "Don't worry, you were already in my good books."

"Was I?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah," she muttered self-consciously.

She was silent for the ride over to Emily's, being careful to look anywhere but at me. I watched her silently while I drove, still marveling at how beautiful she was. She looked up to meet my gaze, and her face darkened when her eyes met mine. In a few minutes, we pulled up beside the little weathered house. I turned to Kim apprehensively.

"Okay, one thing."

"What?"

"Just don't.....stare at Emily, okay? Her boyfriend hates it."

"Why would I stare?" she asked, confused.

"Um, you'll see." She nodded at my explanation, and I rushed around to open the car door for her.

"Madam," I said, holding out my arm. She giggled and grabbed it, hopping down lightly from the truck.

"It's....nice," she remarked, taking in the cheerful little house.

"Yeah, just wait till you meet Emily. And taste her cooking too," I said, winking.

Emily did a double take when she saw us approaching the house.

"Jared!" she exclaimed. "You never told me that you had a girlfriend." Kim blushed.

"Well, um, she's not exactly my girlfriend. Not yet, anyway," I said cheekily, and Kim nudged me playfully.

"Hi, I'm Kim," she said shyly, and I was impressed that she didn't stare. Emily took her hand warmly, half of her scarred face in a bright smile.

"It's so great to meet you!" she gushed. "I'm sure we're going to be great friends." Kim smiled, relieved.

"Yeah." There was a silence. Emily spoke first.

"I'm making muffins, they'll be done in a minute. Take a seat! We have a lot to talk about," she said cheerfully, and soon engaged Kim in a mainly one-sided conversation, Emily doing the talking. I leaned back in my chair, watching them both, a smile on my face. I was delighted that Kim was getting along so well with Emily. Of course, It was hard to not get along with her. I sniffed appreciatively; I loved her muffins. In a couple of minutes, a timer went off, and she pulled the pans from the oven, setting them on a rack to cool.

"They're chocolate chip this time," Emily announced. "I know those are your favorite."

"You know me too well," I laughed, as she tossed me a few muffins.

"Do you want one?" I asked Kim, offering one of the golden brown muffins. She shook her head slightly. "No thanks, I've already eaten."

"Emily's gonna be hurt," I teased.

"Well, I guess you can eat hers then. I only made four dozen," Emily chattered. "I wonder when Sam's going to be back." Kim looked stunned.

"Only four dozen? Who eats them all?"

Emily motioned around the kitchen vaguely with her spoon, which she was using to stir more batter.

"Jared, Sam, me," she replied airily. "Though I only eat a couple."

Kim's mouth was wide open. "How much can you _eat?_" she asked me curiously.

"A lot," I replied in an amused voice. Suddenly Emily squealed.

"Sam's home!" she exclaimed, peering at the tall, dark figure who was approaching the house.

"Emily," he said once he had opened the door, and pulled her into a tight hug, kissing her lightly on her ruined mouth. Kim was watching them, her eyes slightly sad.

"What's the matter?" I whispered worriedly, scanning her face for any sign of tears.

"Nothing," she replied lightly, and smiled, hoping to convince me. I didn't believe her. I narrowed my eyes infinitesimally, and sighed.

"How am I supposed to get through to you?" I griped. She too narrowed her eyes.

"Maybe I don't want anyone 'getting through' to me. Maybe I like being left alone," she muttered irately.

"Please, don't lie to yourself. I know you enjoy being around people."

"I'm not lying!" she whispered savagely, nostrils flaring. "And I never asked you to butt into my life."

"I'm sorry," I muttered quickly, reaching out toward her hand. She jerked it away, and stood up quickly.

"It was nice to meet you. Emily, Sam," she announced kindly. "But I'd really better be going."

"So soon?" exclaimed Emily. "You must stay a little longer," she coaxed.

"I'm sorry, but I really have to go. Maybe I can come over sometime soon," she said quickly, and headed for the door.

"Kim!" I called after her, but she ignored me. I ran out the door, and stopped in front of her.

"Look, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean what I said."

"Yes, you did. Now please step out of the way so I can go home."

"It's five miles. Let me give you a ride."

"No!"

"Please?" I said desperately, and I could see her willpower crumbling.

"Fine," she snapped, and hurriedly got in the truck.

We drove to her house in complete silence. I watched her out of the corner of my eye, hoping that she would at least look at me once. However, she kept her eyes firmly on the dashboard and didn't make a sound. When I pulled up to her house, she opened the door before I had a chance, and rushed up her front porch. I followed her eagerly.

"See you tomorrow," she said shortly, and shut her door in my face. I sighed and sat down on the porch steps. I was still confused as to whether she liked me. _It seems like it, but I can't be sure, _I thought bitterly. She had no reason not to. Well, except for the part where I said the wrong thing, and totally blew it. And I had sort of been stalking her. In a non-stalkerish way. She was my perfect match, like two puzzle pieces that fit together. We _belonged _together, but I was the only one who knew that. I had yet to tell her my secret. _I'll give her more time. Let her get to know me a bit better. Then I'll tell her, _I decided in my head.

_The moment can't come soon enough._

--

**Yeah, so review. Please.**


	4. Beachside Chats

**Ah, I'm tired, and I have a big assignment due tomorrow, that I still need to finish. Ah, procrastination. This isn't very long, but I'm too tired to write anymore. Enjoy, and review.**

--

My mind was reeling out of control as I watched him depart. It had shattered my heart to treat him so coldly, but I knew that I couldn't risk such a forbidden relationship. He was tearing apart my heart, and I couldn't satisfy him and my friends at the same time. However much I wanted to depart from Clarke and the rest of her little gang, I knew that I couldn't, and shouldn't. I was like a prisoner, who couldn't get out. I was torn between two things; friends, or a possible boyfriend. I was getting ahead of myself, though. I still didn't know whether he really liked me or not. The most probable option was that he didn't, but I couldn't be entirely sure. He always looked at me with such love, like he was willing to risk his life for mine. It was an all together queer look, but very nice at the same time. I was thrilled that he might like me, but I was so anxious about all the 'maybe's.' I _wanted _someone who would love me, and keep me safe, and he seemed like the perfect candidate. Of course, until I was sure that he truly liked me, I couldn't let my daydreams catch hold of me and make me think things that were not true. I willed my thoughts to turn to my mother, who had entered the room.

"Kim?" she asked worriedly. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?" Her tone was slightly sharp now, a typical mother voice.

"I don't feel very well," I whispered almost silently, and her face changed to one that was full of concern. She rushed over and put her hand to my forehead.

"What's wrong?" she fussed, but I pushed her hand aside. "Stomach ache," I said shortly, and tramped up to my room, eager to crawl in my bed and sleep, to try and forget about the problems which were racing around in my head like darting insects on a warm summer night. I groaned as I collapsed on my comforter, face mushed against the dark fabric. I quickly shimmied out of my jeans, and lay in only my t-shirt, rearranging my pillows under my head.

"I'll be glad when he just forgets about me," I muttered darkly into my pillow. "So I don't have to deal with all this crap."

--

Clarke had a look on fury on her face the next morning when I walked into school. Her tone was as mad as her face.

"Where were you yesterday? Why didn't you tell me you were skipping school?"

I waved her away bleakly. "I got sick," I muttered, the only answer I was going to give her. She sighed in annoyance and closed her eyes, trying to control the emotions which were playing out across her face. Jared was signaling me from over by his locker, but I purposefully ignored him as I waited for Clarke to break the awkward silence. In the end, he walked over anyway, just to annoy me, I'm sure.

"Kim, why won't you look at me?" he whined, throwing an arm around my shoulder. I shrugged him off forcefully, and hoped he had the sense not to tell Clarke about us hanging out yesterday. It seemed he did.

"Okay then. See you later." He sounded hurt, and I tried to stop myself from caring.

Clarke watched the exchange with an expression that was hard to read.

"What was that about?" she fussed angrily.

"None of your business, Clarke," I snapped quickly. Her nostrils flared dangerously as she surveyed me carefully. I shrank down, waiting for her to burst.

"It is too my business. What were you doing yesterday?"

"I already told you. I got sick."

"Oh, yeah. Like I'm really going to believe that," she said sarcastically.

"You should. I'm telling the truth."

"Then what was all that with...with _him_?" She seemed afraid to say his name.

I shrugged before replying in a clipped tone, "I don't know. I didn't talk to him."

"Would you stop lying to me?" she snapped forcefully.

"I'm not!" It had turned into a yelling match. Students were lining up around the lockers, watching the scene with looks of amusement and interest. Jared rushed over and opened his mouth to speak, but he deemed it to be safer if he kept out of it. He threw me an apologetic look and went to go stand a reasonable distance away.

"God, Kim. I know you talked to him! I can see it in your eyes. You're lying to me!"

I raised my head up in defiance. "Maybe I am, Clarke. Maybe I am," I said forcefully, and stalked off to class. I didn't dare turn around, but I knew Clarke would have a shocked look on her face. I nearly smirked in triumph, but I knew I would have hell to pay later. I sighed deeply at the thought. Jared caught up with me about ten feet down the hall.

"That was awesome!" he praised warmly. I smiled a little and blushed hotly. I replied meekly, "Thanks."

"Listen," he started. "You want to hang out with me after school? We could go to First beach."

I thought about it for a moment. "Maybe," I replied shyly, and turned to walk away. I was pretty sure I had a goofy, love-struck look on my face.

--

As soon as I exited the building, Jared ran up to me and yanked my bag off of my back, slinging it around himself.

"I'll carry that for you," he fussed. "Remember what I said earlier, about going to First Beach? You still up for it?" he asked eagerly.

I bit my lip, and stared at the ground. "I don't know if that would be a good idea."

"Why not?"

I looked to the side when I realized that I didn't have an answer.

"I...I don't know."

He grinned. "See? You don't have a reason. That means that you must accompany me to First Beach. I command it."

I grinned. "Oh you do, do you? Well in that case, I must bow to your will, King Jared."

He laughed loudly and picked my up, slinging me over his shoulder easily.

"Hey!" I shrieked, and giggled. "Put me down! Now!"

He shook his head. "Nope. Not until we get to my car."

I groaned. It was at the other side of the parking lot.

--

When we got to the beach, Jared immediately shrugged out of his shirt. I had a hard time trying not to stare at his perfectly chiseled chest. I cleared my throat.

"What?"

I blushed. "Um, why'd you just take off your shirt?"

He looked down. "Oh, er, it's easier."

I raised my eyebrows. "Okay, sure."

"No, really. You know...just in case."

"Just in case of what?"

He stared out over the ocean. "Nothing."

I rolled my eyes. "That's not exactly a satisfying answer."

He grabbed my shoulders. "Listen, I'll tell you later, okay?"

I stared into his warm brown eyes. "Fine. Later."

He grabbed my hand and pulled me towards the water. "So...how's your life been going recently?"

"Fine. Yours?"

"Complicated. Immensely complicated."

"How so?"

He turned to face me, a bitter smile on his face. "Well, the answer to that question would also be immensely complicated."

I frowned. "You're not going to tell me, are you?"

He grinned and replied, "Nope."

I scowled. "Maybe I'll have to use other methods of persuasion, then." I fluttered my eyelashes. His face turned red, as did mine.

"Sorry," I said. "I don't know why I did that. It was embarrassing."

He chuckled. "No, it was fine. You totally won me over. I am yours to command." He grabbed my hands in his large, warm ones, and I felt my insides beginning to melt. "Sorry I'm being so mysterious. It would really be best if I didn't tell you quite yet."

I sighed. "Fine, but you have to tell me eventually, okay?"

"I promise."

"Jared!"

We both turned.

--

**REVIEW, AND YOU GET COOKIES. IF YOU DON'T, BARNEY AND THE TELETUBBIES WILL FIND YOU AND EAT YOU. NO JOKE. TELL YOUR FRIENDS.**


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